Royally Screwed

The English like to refer to pervy weirdos as "sexual perverts", as if there were some other kind of pervert running around that wasn't into sex whatsoever, but was reaaaaally into watching people grocery shop or exposing their musical tastes to unsuspecting fellow passengers on the subway. Regardless, I don't think you have to be a complete seeeeexu-al peeeerveeeeehrt to find these ROYAL WEDDING-THEMED CONDOMS hilarious/intriguing/brilliant. They come in a "timeless souvenir heirlooms box", which is good because you for sure want to display these prominently in your home. They mostly refer to the condoms as LOVE SHEATHS which is just tooooo much for me to handle or even really consider, but the company assures me that "England boasts some of the best lovemaking in the world," so at least there's that.

 What I really can't handle is the copy. The slogan is literally: "Lie back and think of England." Then they get real sentimental on you: "Like a Royal Wedding, intercourse with a loved one is an unforgettable occasion," before suggesting that "Combining the strength of a prince with the yielding sensitivity of a princess-to-be, Crown Jewels condoms promise a royal union of pleasure." The phrase "regally ribbed" comes up at one point.

It comes (hehehehehe) (whatever) with a terrifying photo composite of what Kate and William "might look like" on their wedding day, and then the even MORE terrifying disclaimer: 

Crown Jewels Royal Wedding Souvenir Condoms are a novelty condom not suitable for contraception or protection against STDs.

Ummm... you guys? What? Are these literally for display in your home? Are you supposed to just... put on a condom because you want to, and aren't interested in protection against pregnancy or STIs? "You know, honey, I think it would be more fun if I just slipped this novelty condom on. It's useless but festively decorative- like a party hat for my penis. Now lay back and think of England!"

NO.