TAKE ME OUT

What I like most about having started a humour-oriented blog upon moving to England [professional tip: probably if that is how you describe your blog it is not very humourous. However, my mom reads this thing and laaaaughs and laaaaaughs so here we are.] is that England is SO SILLY I barely have to do anything. What follows is a description of the British television show Take Me Out. It is just a real show that exists here and is fairly widely watched.

A love match in the making, I'm sure. Paddy is a modern-day Cupid.

Lights up. Thirty or so ladies stand at illuminated podiums with their names written on them. They are very dolled up and wearing shiny party dresses, corsets, fascinators, etc. The host, a cheeky Irishman named Paddy, appears and gives them a hard time about being "singletons", prompting some of them to get VERY cheeky in return, while others look kind of sad in the heavily made-up face.

THEN. A series of male suitors descends from a pod in the middle of the stage. The technical term for this pod is "The Love Lift." They descend one at a time after Paddy shrieks "Single Man, reveal yourself!". Usually they dance.

The ladies all just look at him, and if they are not into it, they turn off the light on their podium. The slogan for this portion of the show is "No Likey, No Lightey." I have a hard time with that for a number of reasons, namely that it is a ridiculous slogan and also that every time I hear it I get really nervous that it is culturally insensitive, although I'm not sure to whom... maybe just to the concept of 'culture', in general.

Then there is a video about the man, where he talks about his job and his life. More ladies can turn their lights off. The host gives everyone a hard time about this as well, asking why people weren't into it or why certain women have kept their lights on. Answers range from "I love a man in a footballer's uniform, I quite fancy myself a WAG. wiiiiiink" to "Well, he's proper fit, inn'he?" Very deep connections are forged after watching the two minute video about these men's jobs and lives.

 This man gets a big time Blackout... the ladies NO LIKEY.

After this, if there are women still available, the man turns off the lights at any remaining podiums—based purely on how the women look in their shiny party dresses, as he has not actually spoken to any of them—and when two are left, they answer a single question from him, after which he chooses one, and those two go on a beautiful televised date, to be shown on the next episode. The most hilarious part of this is that Paddy reveals a secret to "up the stakes" before the Single Man chooses, and the secret is always like "BEFORE YOU MAKE YOUR DECISION, one of these two girls is a registered massage therapist." or "BEFORE YOU MAKE YOUR DECISION, one of these two girls has a thing for tall men." He could be turning the light out on the registered masseuse of his dreams!

These encounters take a total of ten minutes, maybe, and there are a few of them every episode. HOWEVER, the best thing in the whole world is what happens if the ladies all turn their lights off before the man even has a chance to turn any off himself. This is called a BLACKOUT and when it happens it means the man has been REJECTED by 30 ladies based on his looks and a two minute video about his life. At which point he is sent up some illuminated stairs while the ladies all wave and sing along as the song "All By Myself" plays.

As a prime example, meet Rob. This Single Man, referred to as a "sexy zebra," makes the ladies fairly cheeky. He also is the victim of a Blackout. (Every time there is a Blackout Paddy gives the rejected man 'some paddy love'. Rob turns this around on Paddy. Hilarity ensues.) Observe:

Literally you could not make this stuff up. But obviously someone did.